i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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