The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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