alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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