i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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