I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
