Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
