We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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