in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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