Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
