Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
