you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
