I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
