:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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