I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
