Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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