You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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