I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
