My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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