took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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