I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
