Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
