Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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