I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
