I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
