...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
