I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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