Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
