Someone shit on the floor
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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