i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
