i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
