you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
