While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
