Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
