oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
