Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
