i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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