HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
