We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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