Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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