I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Text me some of your sweat
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
