She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
