She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My vagina is officially offended.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
