I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My balls are so social today.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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