my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
