your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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