i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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