I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
