Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
