someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize