every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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