You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
