Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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