I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize