New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
