I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
