To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
