mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
