and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
