My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so let's talk penis.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
