i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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