so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
