My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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