i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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