if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize