Your face is a jimmy john
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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