My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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